Wednesday, August 6, 2014
More Pain, Darkness, and Self Hatred.
These are the times that try men's souls. With such a preponderance of information I can hear about all the bad news from virtually the entire planet instantly. Isn't that convenient? I can read about corruption for hours and still not get to the bottom of that mossy black pit. Yet here we are, and I try so hard not to be unnecessarily morose. God is my strength and I'm progressively convinced that I'm my own worst enemy. That's always been the problem, me and my mistakes. Me and my bad reactions. Me and my crazy emotions. It's never been easy. And it's not so fun. But Jesus Christ is my hero, my righteous king. He is everything I've wanted to be and couldn't be, all the things I've wanted to want, but couldn't want, he is all those things, he is my highest ideal, he is the grand champion of all things righteous, good and true. He gives me that victory in a very real way, so why do I feel like such a loser?
I'm halfway through a Theology course at Liberty University and we're beginning to deal with Eschatology, the study of end times. Are we in the final end times? Will Jesus be literally back tomorrow? Will he rapture me? Will I get any crowns? Will I weap for my lack of faith?
I've always assumed that every verse in Holy scripture that discusses backsliding and failure pertained specifically to me. Gall darn it, why is that? I figure if I'm anyone is going to slide through the cracks, not make the cut, make an attempt for the narrow passage and just miss the mark, it's going to be me, Justin Steckbauer. I'm one of those guys, you know. If there's an unforgivable sin that's the one I'd slip into, dang it. My only hope is that God has picked a "peculiar people" he called it. I'm peculiar as they come, so there's some hope.
I'm such an incredible idiot loser nobody, how could Jesus Christ possibly allow me in his beautiful pristine sinless gate of awesomeness? If that news is for me, and I do believe it is, then that is very good news indeed. Because man I'm just different, depressed, and crazy upset. My emotions get all hot and I make bad decisions. I'm one of those sinners the Bible talks about, just fundamentally sinful and not good enough. That's how I feel a lot of the time. And just abused, and beat up on and crapped on by people around me, and myself of course.
It's so very painful. I have a sense of abuse going on around me. Why I ask myself, do they all want to hurt me? How can they do such things? But really I'm not seeing clearly. It's not till nights when I sit alone, in red shorts below the heights of the heavens and speak my heart, that anything, anything at all starts to make sense again. Society is wild for a nervous, fearful twerp like me. And it all scares me tons. And I'm a coward. Pure and simple, a nobody, a loser, a freak, an outcast, no one of importance, fundamentally nothing, nobody, useless trash. That's how I feel a lot of the time. Like I'm lower than pond scum.
If Jesus came to save the lost, and I do believe he did, then he came to save me from myself and from the world, out of the world, by an incredible grace that is so real it's shocking. I'm the lost, found. He's coaxing me out of the wilderness, out of the darkness one step at a time. Most days when I wake up I feel down, and I wish I wasn't here. I wish I could hide in bed all day. I wish I could disappear for months and not say a word, just vanish into nowhere, and maybe never return. I wish I could quit my job at the Salvation Army so much. So much, so much. Whether it's my coworkers or the residents or my bosses bosses, I want out in the worst way. But I'll go on another day, if I can, God willing that is. But I don't want to. I really honestly don't want to. In the worst way, I just wish it was over. I wish for rest, and I am greatly weary, to the point of death.
Lord, please help me. Please end this terrible existence and bring me home to you. Amen.
I feel out of sorts dear and Holy Father of lights,
How can the light be so far from me
And when can I have a moment of peace?
The tension and anger boils within me
I find no rest on an open bed
I feel no relief in the arms of a friend
What madness looms in my mind Lord?
How, oh my soul, can you be despairing?
Don't you know the Lord is your rock?
He can never let you down!
You say yourself how he doesn't leave you at every mistake,
How then would he leave you today?
I know you fear, oh my soul, your own inequity being too much for God to bear,
But he is not so quick to give up on his children
My soul anguishes and my mind and heart despair of life itself
And I wonder tonight, how I can continue in present circumstances
How can I Lord? How can I live under such pressure, such pain?
Who could stand with what I have, the feelings I've got, against such foolishness?
A dark midnight of the soul they may say,
Such titles mean nothing, in the tension, the anxiety, the explosive unmanageability
I wish only for life to end Lord,
I cannot bear these burdens any longer,
I have failed all your tests
And I am weary to the point of death
I have failed you
I despair of my own existence,
My emotions blast me to pieces,
My own mind betrays and murders me,
Who could return from such a place?
Who could answer the riddle of the pain in my head?
Only the Lord God of hosts could answer!
But you are silent Lord? Won't you calm the storm of my emotions?
Won't you deliver me from these maddening thoughts?
They torment me moment by moment
And I'm helpless beneath their crushing influence
But you are a gracious God who gives mighty grace,
You give comfort to those who take refuge in you,
So I place my tense and waivering trust in you,
All I have belongs to you, through the Christ, your son,
Who has given to me all that I have, even righteousness
You will deliver me Lord,
I renew my trust in you,
You will calm the storm,
You are all and in all you are you give rest
To those you love, and you love me
Despite my own despair, you shall deliver me
I will wait patiently on the Lord God of Heaven and Earth,
For his mighty hand to move, for him to make all things right.
Death approaches, but through death comes life.
A shadow descends upon me,
But pain breaks to joy eventually
In a dream maybe
Trust the Lord man,
Don't freak out,
He's got this one.
Give him time, he's got this one.
He'll take care of everything.
Sit back, settle down, read a good book,
stop thinking about the end, find a way to keep moving forward.