These are the times that try men's souls. With such a preponderance of information I can hear about all the bad news from virtually the entire planet instantly. Isn't that convenient? I can read about corruption for hours and still not get to the bottom of that mossy black pit. Yet here we are, and I try so hard not to be unnecessarily morose. God is my strength and I'm progressively convinced that I'm my own worst enemy. That's always been the problem, me and my mistakes. Me and my bad reactions. Me and my crazy emotions. It's never been easy. And it's not so fun. But Jesus Christ is my hero, my righteous king. He is everything I've wanted to be and couldn't be, all the things I've wanted to want, but couldn't want, he is all those things, he is my highest ideal, he is the grand champion of all things righteous, good and true. He gives me that victory in a very real way, so why do I feel like such a loser?
I'm halfway through a Theology course at Liberty University and we're beginning to deal with Eschatology, the study of end times. Are we in the final end times? Will Jesus be literally back tomorrow? Will he rapture me? Will I get any crowns? Will I weap for my lack of faith?
I've always assumed that every verse in Holy scripture that discusses backsliding and failure pertained specifically to me. Gall darn it, why is that? I figure if I'm anyone is going to slide through the cracks, not make the cut, make an attempt for the narrow passage and just miss the mark, it's going to be me, Justin Steckbauer. I'm one of those guys, you know. If there's an unforgivable sin that's the one I'd slip into, dang it. My only hope is that God has picked a "peculiar people" he called it. I'm peculiar as they come, so there's some hope.
I'm such an incredible idiot loser nobody, how could Jesus Christ possibly allow me in his beautiful pristine sinless gate of awesomeness? If that news is for me, and I do believe it is, then that is very good news indeed. Because man I'm just different, depressed, and crazy upset. My emotions get all hot and I make bad decisions. I'm one of those sinners the Bible talks about, just fundamentally sinful and not good enough. That's how I feel a lot of the time. And just abused, and beat up on and crapped on by people around me, and myself of course.
It's so very painful. I have a sense of abuse going on around me. Why I ask myself, do they all want to hurt me? How can they do such things? But really I'm not seeing clearly. It's not till nights when I sit alone, in red shorts below the heights of the heavens and speak my heart, that anything, anything at all starts to make sense again. Society is wild for a nervous, fearful twerp like me. And it all scares me tons. And I'm a coward. Pure and simple, a nobody, a loser, a freak, an outcast, no one of importance, fundamentally nothing, nobody, useless trash. That's how I feel a lot of the time. Like I'm lower than pond scum.
If Jesus came to save the lost, and I do believe he did, then he came to save me from myself and from the world, out of the world, by an incredible grace that is so real it's shocking. I'm the lost, found. He's coaxing me out of the wilderness, out of the darkness one step at a time. Most days when I wake up I feel down, and I wish I wasn't here. I wish I could hide in bed all day. I wish I could disappear for months and not say a word, just vanish into nowhere, and maybe never return. I wish I could quit my job at the Salvation Army so much. So much, so much. Whether it's my coworkers or the residents or my bosses bosses, I want out in the worst way. But I'll go on another day, if I can, God willing that is. But I don't want to. I really honestly don't want to. In the worst way, I just wish it was over. I wish for rest, and I am greatly weary, to the point of death.
Lord, please help me. Please end this terrible existence and bring me home to you. Amen.
I feel out of sorts dear and Holy Father of lights,
How can the light be so far from me
And when can I have a moment of peace?
The tension and anger boils within me
I find no rest on an open bed
I feel no relief in the arms of a friend
What madness looms in my mind Lord?
How, oh my soul, can you be despairing?
Don't you know the Lord is your rock?
He can never let you down!
You say yourself how he doesn't leave you at every mistake,
How then would he leave you today?
I know you fear, oh my soul, your own inequity being too much for God to bear,
But he is not so quick to give up on his children
My soul anguishes and my mind and heart despair of life itself
And I wonder tonight, how I can continue in present circumstances
How can I Lord? How can I live under such pressure, such pain?
Who could stand with what I have, the feelings I've got, against such foolishness?
A dark midnight of the soul they may say,
Such titles mean nothing, in the tension, the anxiety, the explosive unmanageability
I wish only for life to end Lord,
I cannot bear these burdens any longer,
I have failed all your tests
And I am weary to the point of death
I have failed you
I despair of my own existence,
My emotions blast me to pieces,
My own mind betrays and murders me,
Who could return from such a place?
Who could answer the riddle of the pain in my head?
Only the Lord God of hosts could answer!
But you are silent Lord? Won't you calm the storm of my emotions?
Won't you deliver me from these maddening thoughts?
They torment me moment by moment
And I'm helpless beneath their crushing influence
But you are a gracious God who gives mighty grace,
You give comfort to those who take refuge in you,
So I place my tense and waivering trust in you,
All I have belongs to you, through the Christ, your son,
Who has given to me all that I have, even righteousness
You will deliver me Lord,
I renew my trust in you,
You will calm the storm,
You are all and in all you are you give rest
To those you love, and you love me
Despite my own despair, you shall deliver me
I will wait patiently on the Lord God of Heaven and Earth,
For his mighty hand to move, for him to make all things right.
Death approaches, but through death comes life.
A shadow descends upon me,
But pain breaks to joy eventually
In a dream maybe
Trust the Lord man,
Don't freak out,
He's got this one.
Give him time, he's got this one.
He'll take care of everything.
Sit back, settle down, read a good book,
stop thinking about the end, find a way to keep moving forward.
Your story is important and powerful. It's a living testimony today. But it has to be presented in an honest and frank way. Don't worry about how you look, worry about how to showcase the wonderful nature of Christ.
2 Corinthians 11:28-31 (NLT)
28 Then, besides all this, I have the daily burden of my concern for all the churches. 29 Who is weak without my feeling that weakness? Who is led astray, and I do not burn with anger?
30 If I must boast, I would rather boast about the things that show how weak I am. 31 God, the Father of our Lord Jesus, who is worthy of eternal praise, knows I am not lying.
It's so important to be real. So important to be real. I will sacrifice again and again in my "career in ministry" if you really want to call it that, I will sacrifice my "credible appearance" for the sake of being genuine, real, and true every single time. Over and over and over again I will brag on what a screw up I am and how awesome Jesus Christ is. I'll brag on the Grace I live within on a daily basis. Really there is no reason what so ever to hide your troubles, or hide your pains, or keep certain things secret, or whatever. They call that professional detachment or maintaining credibility or some such nonsense, I'm sure it works fine in cognitive behavioral therapy, but this is the body of Christ. We're not playing church here, this is life and death. Not just of the body, but of the mind.
And we're center stage. This is it. Countless millions of souls hang in the balance everyday. About 100,000 people die worldwide everyday. And where are they going? For many, they are headed to a real place of disconnection. Many choose lifetimes of willful rejection of God awaits many.
They must hear and they will hear, and the final decision is theirs.
But my goodness let's get on top of this thing. And I can do that by being honest, straight forward and genuine about where I'm at.
I've shared brief segments of my story from varying perspectives in the course of building this blog. And I'd like to share more of it with you all, my dear friends and allies in this spiritual struggle. My spiritual journey is something I blog about regularly because it speaks to the truth of what I know, and where I've been and where I'm hopefully going.
Let me tell you that your story is important.
It's very important, and when there is pain or depression in your life, look back to your story, write it out, look it over, and talk to others about what you start to notice. It's important in that way for one, and for two it's important as a testimony to others for where you were, where you are now and where you're going. A personal testimony is hard to disagree with, because it's so personal and powerful.
Write out your testimony, share your story. It's powerful. Set it in your mind, and learn to tell it and retell it. In the book of Acts one of the greatest missionaries, the Apostle Paul told his testimony again and again as he came before Jews, Greeks, Romans, leaders, beggars, and everyone in between. He encountered Jesus Christ. So did I. So did you! Write that story, tell pieces of it, when coworkers are in pain, when friends feel lost, share a part of your story that might encourage them or help them to see their way through. Don't worry, God will speak through you at those times and guard and guide your words.
Psalm 121:8 (TLB) 8 He keeps his eye upon you as you come and go and always guards you.
What is the higher pursuit, but to know God? But how can a finite being like myself, yourself, understand an infinite being like the God of the universe? We cannot fully understand him, just as we cannot fully understand a stranger, a friend, a lover, or ourselves. But we don't need to have a perfect understanding of our friend the divine creator of heaven and earth. We can know things about him, know what he is like, and by that gain a better understanding of our heavenly Father, and indeed have a better, richer, fuller experience of the God of heaven and earth on a daily basis.
Let's begin. I'm already said a few things about God, haven't I? He's infinite, and we are finite. What does that mean? Since the human soul is indeed eternal, to say we are finite beings I would be saying that we are beings that exist within time that have a definite starting point.
God is infinite. Let's look at Exodus chapter 3:
13 Moses
said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God
of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his
name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”
14 God said to Moses, “I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I am has sent me to you.’”
15 God also said to Moses, “Say to the Israelites, ‘The Lord, the God of your fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you.’
“This is my name forever,
the name you shall call me
from generation to generation."
God's name "I am who I am" is a statement of self existence. No one created God. He is. Sometimes people don't like the idea of an uncreated first cause. But you have to have one. Otherwise there would be no end to anything, we'd just have to keep jumping back to who created what and it would never end. It doesn't make sense. There has to be, logically, a first cause that is uncaused. That's God. If you can't understand it, can't comprehend it, that's fine neither can I really!
Revelation 22:13 says "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End."
Alpha is the first letter of the greek alphabet, and omega is the last letter of that alphabet. Such wonderful language, beautiful written It's very mysterious. How can God be infinite, uncaused, eternal, all powerful, yet be the beginning, the end, the first and the last?
God is outside time is what the author is getting at. Time is a dimension of our existence as human beings. As I write these words, time is passing. And more time will pass while you're reading the words. God is not only here with me in this moment in time, he is in every future moment and every past moment, eternally present at every moment in all history, and beyond time itself.
It is true to say that God has chosen to step into the experience of time, when he came in the form of Jesus Christ. During that time he experienced time as a human would, moment by moment.
Sometimes we can dig in so deep, study so much scripture and learn so many apologetics but really who is God? What is he like? What does he do?
1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
Love is so important to the character of God that he is said to be love. One could write ten volumes on the relation of love, what is love, why is God love, what are the areas of love, what is tangible love, what isn't love, and how far does love go, but I won't step into that arena at this moment. I would be writing for days.
John 4:24 (ESV) God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.”
God is love, God is also spirit. Most theologians believe this is a reference to the immaterial nature of God. God is not a biological life form like I am, or you or your dog is. He is spirit essence. So is he plasma? Matter? Anti-matter? Energy? Dark matter? Is his elemental makeup similar to the Higgs Boson particle? I haven't any idea.
Here's a mind-bender: Do you think they speak english in heaven? Of course they don't. You could possibly argue that they might speak hebrew or ancient greek, but highly doubtful. There is most likely a heavenly language. Isn't that intriguingly mind boggling?
It's important to explore these issues. Sometimes I feel so tied to a bolder of "acceptable conservative theology" that I'm trapped in a boring little bubble, and if I don't prang off the same dull lines that have been repeated since the dawn of the reformation I'm going to be publicly expelled. And then I'll be on Youtube with fifty different videos "Steckbauer EXPOSED." Type in Rick Warren or Mark Driscoll or John MacArthur or any big name evangelist/pastor and you'll see a laundry list of accusations. I digress.
Deuteronomy 32:4 (ESV) “The Rock, his work is perfect, for all his ways are justice. A God
of faithfulness and without iniquity, just and upright is he."
God is perfect. Once again, beyond my comprehension. But his perfection is one of the greatest reasons why we ought to worship God. He is entirely perfect in all manners. He's never made a mistake, ever. Wow. That's pretty foreign to me. I think I was born making mistakes and then took it on as a lifetime pursuit. God is perfect, he is perfection embodied. The angels who are actually living in his unshrouded presence are so in awe and affection and adoration for the Heavenly Father they can't shut up about it, they just keep saying "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty!" His radiant perfection is that overwhelming.
Yet he came. He's not some far off distant perfection that snubs his nose at us in prideful snubbery. He loves people. So he comes. And he makes dead people live. The greatest issue in the history of man, death. Everyone has 70 - 100 years at the outside and then they're dead. Body decays, and it's done. That is the greatest problem. Of course today people can't even see the problem, sin, it's been carefully removed. And we're taught to think as if we'll live forever, but we don't. So we die in credit card debt, addicted to pharmaceuticals, miserable, half asleep and totally confused. Maybe if church leaders stopped cowering on these difficult issues, they would be respected, instead of ridiculed as money loving hypocrites who support the status quo and their agenda. Of course that would take genuine humility.
I see the problem. So does God. It's death. The curse. And as sin reins to this very moment in history, the world is a very scary place. In America we kind of have our little bubble of modern convenience, and liberals act as if the world is somehow always getting better, despite the evidence. It's easy to forget about the two world wars that occured only 70 years ago, and the other various conflicts, and the starvation and the diseases, epidemics, and so on. But the problem is there, sin. And it's very very scary sometimes. Ugly and hard to watch. And we wonder, what do we do, what can we hold on to?
God is our rock in all this. He is our anchor. His work is perfect.
Every decision God makes is just. It's interesting how often the idea of justice comes up. Justice is so important to people. Until we're the ones under the lash. "Put that pedophile away for life!" But then it's us, in trouble. Made a mistake.. Suddenly we want mercy then. I need a lot of mercy. And I need a lot of grace. Because I screw up and make mistakes everyday.
God is perfect, just in his decisions and upright in all his ways. We can trust that. Look over the scriptures, the Gospel accounts. Does Jesus, who is God, commit even a single sin in those extensive accounts? He does not.
God is present, everywhere. He's here with me, around me. Amongst the room, watching, listening, encouraging me. But he's also within me, the Holy Spirit, filling me as I write and placing the right thoughts in my mind. Yet there is another force at war with that spirit, the flesh.
Exodus 33:14 (ESV) And he said, “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”
See, as humans being our whole existence is dependent on God. We were made to live in close connection to him. Without God it's like unplugging a laptop. The battery comes on for a few hours but eventually it shuts off the display goes gray and it doesn't function.
That's why the idea of hell is not some spooky lava pit. Not at all. Hell is just a word in the greek language closely related to a terrible place. This "place" is eternal disconnection from God. Someone lives their whole life, getting offers from God, from their Christian neighbors, "Come this way, this path." "See look at this evidence for God's existence" "No." "I see how much pain your in addicted and lost, come to faith in Christ, he can help you!" "No." And the answer is always "No" or "Well, maybe later" and eventually God says, very well, your will be done. 578 times in your life I had people offer you the gift, all those times you refused it. So be it. And that person gets to spend eternity exactly how they desired, disconnected from God.
"Those who don't want God in this life will not want Him in eternity" -Ravi Zacharias.
Hebrews 1:3 He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his
nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After
making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the
Majesty on high
Jeremiah 32:17 Ah, Lord God! It is you who have made the
heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm!
Nothing is too hard for you.
God understands our struggles. He understands us more than we understand ourselves. Through his son Jesus Christ, he brings us from death to life, and by his Spirit he changes us painstakingly from bad people to good people. It is God's will that we be sanctified (1 Thessalonians 4:3). The offer, the hope, the glory, the encouragement, the objective truths of the faith never change. God is forever unchanging.
Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
There are so many aspects to God, so many scriptures to reference.
God is power. He can do anything, the one who brought the universe into existence will also resurrect our bodies for eternal life.
God is glory. Oh the mystery of glory.
God is shrouded at this time in history. But we Christians will see his face.
God is love. His affection for us is overwhelming and bounding, binding, warm, complete, and we may take refuge within his shelter.
God is spirit. He is present within us and about us, and elsewhere, in other places and other times.
God is justice. His decisions are right.
God is mercy. His justice is perfect, but in perfect justice levied with endless love, there comes mercy. Yet even further mercy gives way to grace, a state of justified completeness declared over your soul and mine before God, by the incredible, unstoppable, boundless, shocking, admirable gift of Jesus Christ the perfect sinless one who died for you and I, while being mocked and ridiculed, hung from a cross to die slowly he called out, "Father, forgive them they don't know what they're doing."
Wow, that's love.
One could get very deep into searching out God's aspects, his ways and means. But often it seems like we try to pin down his methods and put him in a box. He has more methods than we can comprehend, and when we think we've noticed a way in which he acts in the world, he surprises us a moment later with a different approach to work on and with his children. It's humbling. He is so much more complex than me or you, yet so infinitely simple in his perfection and grace given. He is just the kind of God I can worship. I couldn't worship a different kind of god who might stand far off, or act in unjust ways.
So it's a beautiful scenario. I found just the perfect God to worship in the God of the Bible, the mysterious one who calls himself "I am who I am." He is God. And amazingly, God is also real. The truthful inspection of science, history, art, entertainment, philosophy, archaeology, theology, and other areas of discipline all lead back to one idea: God. Science in the first cause, history in the Biblical documents, art and entertainment at the level of awe and magnificence, philosophy in the ideals projected from the gospels of Jesus Christ which empirically show to be the ultimate way of peace, archaeology in the remains of civilizations, the historical manuscripts, and the evidences that suggest the Biblical writers were writing the truth, and the theology that explains the various aspects of what we today call Christianity.. but which is boiled down simply to a relationship between me and the Creator of the Universe, made possible by Jesus Christ who intersected into human history to show a beautiful way, and to make dead people like myself lost in sin, live again.
God bless you all. Amen.
The internet is a wonderful thing. It carries a lot of negative images and video, but it also offers itself as a unique public square to share the gospel, and encouragement. Are you sharing the gospel on social media? We've all got Facebook accounts, Twitter accounts, Pinterest, LinkedIn, DeviantArt, and many others. Let's utilize them to share the truth with a very troubled world, that desperately needs the truth. Here are some of my favorites I've seen and grabbed over the past month or so, feel free to save and share on your social media accounts. None of these belong to me, I'm simply sharing them. Thanks!
Split into two categories, "sharing the light" images are positive inspirational images and "challenging the darkness" are truth, fact, and justice centered images. Enjoy!
Sharing the Light:
Challenging the Darkness:
