The Difficult month of December: A Cold Journey

“Whenever God means to make a man great, he always breaks him in pieces first.”― Charles Spurgeon 

 

I've struggled hard over this month of December to get words to flow out of my soul, onto these pages.  I've been met with mixed results.  My spiritual life has suffered recently.  The old depression approaches around this month.  For a variety of reasons I'm sure.  The truth is, it's tough.  There is a lot of hurt today, buried somewhere in the past, affecting today.  There is a lot of hurt yet to come as well.  

 

 Around such difficult times.. I try to hunker down and reclaim old, cold wonders.  Old fascinations.  I listen to songs that inspire.  I watch movies that perplex me.  I read words that remind me of times long ago, when winter crept into the bones, and these eyes saw snow falling, slanted, just so the side, in the great forest nights of the Great Lakes.  

Life is a twisting, turning adventure that at times seems joyous and sublime, yet at other times seems to be so devastatingly terrible that one wishes for nothing but for it to be over. I've experienced life in both extremes.  

 

My life, like a dying camp fire, I watched it slowly dim.  Like a sunset, I fought to clinch the horizon and hold it in it's place.  I didn't know there would be a new beginning on the other side of spiritual death.  I didn't know I would wake up a new man.  But before the new man could come, the old Justin had to die.  And he died slowly.  He truly did.  And then he died.  He remained dead for a time.  Then Jesus.  And then the new man.

 

 Dark times remind us of the light.  Only in darkness can we see the stars, the moon.  Only by the sun's light can we see the world.  And the only reason I can breath, that plants can grow, is the sun.  Very similar, is Jesus Christ.  

 

Everything exists by him and through him.

 

Without which, not. 

 

There are things, that without them, life is completely meaningless.  

 

Let's see if I can weave the strands together, of my journey to death.  

 

I always thought, in retrospect, that the reason for my self destructive tendencies was the collapse of my family during the divorce.  I realize now, it wasn't that.  The divorce was certainly part of it.  A hot part of it.  But there was something much more fundamental going on.  

 

I could feel it at still quiet moments of my journey downward.  For some reason, every once in a while I would know, and think deep down.. this has to happen.     

 

 There is no other way.  The psychiatrists and doctors and friends would tell me this was my "self fulfilling prophecy."  Certainly a reasonable conclusion for a naturalist to make.  Of course it was nonsense.  I had tried to force myself, by sheer will, determination, out of my predicament time and again.  Always trying to fight the collapse.   But eventually, like a dying cancer patient, you accept your situation as exactly as it must be.  Nothing, after all happens in God's world by mistake.

 

 At the core I was suffering from a lack of meaning in my life.  I was suffering from a lack of Jesus Christ in my life.  And without him, life is nothing.  Life is simply, what I made of it.. phone Kyle.  Dxm?  Yeah.  Great.  He comes and picks me up.  We drive over to Target, and walk down the medicine aisle.  I grab four packages of Coricidin Cough and Cold from the shelf.  We buy them, drive home, slam 32 red pills each, and then fade away into my dark bedroom, Bear McCreary playing in the background "Something Dark is Coming" or Clint Mansell's "Death is the Road to Awe." 

 

There was something very honest about that.  Nothingness.  Sheer slipping away... A complete rejection of the consumer society and it's hollowness.  There seemed to be nothing there for us.  For me. 

 

Something so fundamental... as destruction.  Self destruction.  Embracing darkness and death.  That was one strand of it.  Yet there were so many others.  

 

I think of a hospital visit in 2009.. as I recorded it then:

 

I was in the sun room.  I was wearing all black that day; a black hoodie and black pants. Sun was shining through the tips of the bare oak trees. A bit of snow was on the ground outside. It was warmer out there. The warmth was breaching into the long room. I had been sitting in one of the large leather seats, but had stood up.

There was a white board against the opposite wall. There were a few random statements jotted down on it. I stood up, staring across the board reading the random comments. I smiled, and lifted the blue pen to the board. As I was writing my statement, the door opened and a girl walked in.

The girl was wearing a red polka-dotted shirt, and dark blue pants. She had long curly blonde hair and bright blue eyes.

"Hi," she said with a funny voice.

"Hi," I replied, smiling.

There was something different about her. I couldn't quite place it.

"Your tears will rise up to soar with the birds," She read what I had written on the board.

The sun was shining against her face as she spoke. A swift wind was blowing against the blue sky out the window, among the shining silver-brown tips of the oak trees. Clouds passed over the sun quickly, some wind blew creaking against the side of the building. We stared at each other. She sat in a chair near mine. The soft dark broke and the sun was shining in again. It blasted against the board lighting up the words I had written.

"How long have you been here?" She asked.

"Oh.. A long collusion of days, marked by unending propaganda, and.. Little progress," I smirked.

"And I have just arrived, in such a place as this," She smiled, sitting down in a chair next to mine.

"What does that statement mean to you?" She asked, pointing to the board.

"Well, " I said rubbing my chin thinking. "It means that.. There is hope out here. In this wilderness we seem trapped in. We are lost. Being lost is what defines us. It hurts like hell.. We are dying. But that's the point. We have to die to live. Everything we do in life is trial or a nudge or a gift."

"So true."

"And we are on journeys.. To the bottom now. We cry at the bottom, in the mud, and the mud is made from us. But then... our tears rise up.. And sing songs.. They soar. This is a natural law. Water evaporates. Our tears will rise up. We have nowhere to go but up."

There was a short pause. I hadn't even realized I'd felt that way.

"You remind me of Donnie Darko," She said.

I smiled.

"But more, " I continued. "When I'm gone. When this destroys me, my tears will still rise up. Even if I am gone, some of me will still rise."

"Life is an endless circle," She said. "You'll survive this."

"What if I don't want to?"

"You'll have to. We all have a destiny."

"Yes we do," I replied. "Whether dark or light. It will come about. People like us.. And people like us are rare. We know this."

I smiled at her.

"It's such a gift to meet somehow right now," I said. "Right now, this moment."

I was staring out the window now, leaning against my chair for support.

"This moment," I emphasized, staring at her. "I mean.. Is it possible? Right now? It's so perfect. It's so fateful. We're in this moment right now. It's ours. I'm meeting you, you meeting me. Will we ever forget it?"

"I am honored to be in this moment, " She said.

"I mean it's so perfect, so real, so incredible, so-"

She stood up, and walked over to me, leaning down, touching her hand underneath my chin, kissing me softly on the lips.

 

Another strand.. the movie "The Fountain."  The hopeless war on death.

 

Another strand.. the movie "Donnie Darko."  Time paradox.  The search for God.  Saving the world.

 

Another strand.. the series "Battlestar Galactica."  The nuked colonies, the last 50,000 survivors of man kind fleeing into deep space, fighting to survive, against a deadly enemy..

 

Another strand.. a band called "Death Cab for Cutie."  The hopeless search for a perfect sexuality.

 

Another strand.. the movie "Dawn of the Dead."  Fighting the consumerist nightmare surrounding, living as a survivor in a zombified apocalypse.  

 

Another strand.. the movie "Star Wars."  The hope of victory over the darkness.  The rebellion fighting the evil empire.  

 

Another strand.. a song by Bear McCreary called "Something Dark is Coming."  The quiet acceptance of a dark time, a dark period of life approaching.

 

 Another strand.. The Mayan calendar, the date the world would end November 21st, 2012.  The hope for an end.

 

Another strand.. musicians named Nick Drake and Elliott Smith, dead beauty distributors that I hoped to join at 27.

 

Another strand.. The Matrix movies.  Escaping the control system, freedom of the mind.  

 

Another strand.. despair.

 

Another strand.. the three books, Jacob and the Meadow, David and the Fall, Joshua and the Rise.. predicting my own future.

 

 Another strand.. reading the Bible at Perkins every night.. strange fascination.

 

 Another strand.. the thousands and thousands of pages of free writing and journaling I did over the years.. seeking, describing, immersed, amazed, in awe.

 

Another strand.. dreams of the future.  

 

Another strand.. the night walks of quiet contemplation on spring, summer, fall, and winter nights.  Mind wandering freely.  

 

Another strand.. The Gospel of John movie, script directly from the book itself.  Over and over, in a dark room, bright screen, light shining in the darkness..

 

Strands upon strands, God weaving my thoughts together, allowing it all to fall apart.  Strands upon strands, folded in and out, pieces together, leading to.. something special.  Something beautiful.  That's what one might call a spiritual journey.  Always so different for all people.  Mine was a journey from confusion, to self destruction, to death, to waiting, and to new life, through Christ Jesus. Yeshua, the savior, the renewer of my soul.

 

Psalm 18:He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
    from my foes, who were too strong for me.
¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
    but the Lord was my support.
¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place;
    he rescued me because he delighted in me.                   

“Only when holiness and worship meet can evil be conquered. For that, only the Christian message has the answer.”
― Ravi Zacharias, Jesus Among Other Gods: The Absolute Claims of the Christian Message

“When God is our Holy Father, sovereignty, holiness, omniscience, and immutability do not terrify us; they leave us full of awe and gratitude. Sovereignty is only tyrannical if it is unbounded by goodness; holiness is only terrifying if it is untempered by grace; omniscience is only taunting if it is unaccompanied by mercy; and immutability is only torturous if there is no guarantee of goodwill.”
― Ravi Zacharias

 

Seven Objections to the Bible and Seven Reasonable Responses

I was at work the other day, and we were all getting ready to go over to the church services.  I was speaking to a friend who was asking about the times that certain businesses in the area would open up.  I let him know.  Then as he was leaving I suggested, politely, "why don't you join us at church sometime?"  And thus began a 20 minute debate.  

The objections he brought up were fiery and passionate.  In fact I could hardly get a word in edge wise.  Have you ever had one of those discussions with a non-believer that just seems to escalate at record paces?  I have that from time to time.  I've made more than one enemy simply by inviting them to church.  Oh well.  It's a far cry from what people like Canon White go through in Iraq, but it's a start.  

Anyway, I thought it would be interesting to look at his objections (there were a lot) one by one and see if they hold weight and how one can answer those kinds of objections.  It's good to learn these kinds of things, not to mention it's fascinating!

So let's see here, first..

1. "The Bible is a means of control."

Sub-objections included: "Constantine used Christianity to control the Roman empire."

"Millions of witches were burned at the stake by the Catholic church."

"Constantine was forcefully baptized on his death bed he wasn't even a Christian." 

2. "Why should I differentiate between Greek myths and Christianity?  It's all myth."

3.  "None of the gospels were eyewitness accounts, they were stories passed down by word of mouth and weren't even recorded on papyrus until after 60 AD."

4. "I don't understand how Jesus dying on the cross is such a big sacrifice.  Many people die on battlefields, or being tortured or slowly by disease over days or weeks, having died a much more painful death.  And then the Bible says he rises again, so he's alive and well in heaven right now, so how is that such a big sacrifice to absolve all humanity of sin?"

5. "If God is the first cause, who made God?  Saying God is eternal is a cop out." 

6. "The United States has separation of church and state, so Christianity had nothing to do with the founding of the country or the freedom."

7. "There is no way Noah could gather all the animals from across the whole planet, one male and one female and get them on the ark.  And there is no way Noah and his family could build such a large craft."

These are fairly common objections, don't you think?  So how would you answer?  What would you say?  

I said very little.  I couldn't get a word in.  But those objections are reasonable and interesting.  Let's see if there are answers..

1. So is the Bible a means of control?  Is the Bible an "opiate for the masses" as Karl Marx called all religion?  It's true that the Bible tells Christians to obey the ruling authorities.  The Bible tells Christians to await a paradise after death.  The Bible tells Christians not to seek worldly wealth.  Was the Bible developed to keep the sheeple in line?  I find it quite unlikely.  Empirically, we've seen that the most free nations of the world are predominantly Christian nations.  The United States is an excellent example.  Europe as well.  South Korea is another example.  Then think about the opposite, think about nations that have adopted atheism.  Stalin's Russia, the genocide in Cambodia, and Hitler's Nazi Germany are just a few I can think of off the top of my head.  It turned out that Karl Marx's writings were used as the opiate of the masses, leading to genocide.  Very ironic.  Read about the genocide in Cambodia here.

Did Constantine use Christianity to control his empire?  Hard to say what Constantine's motives were.  But the Roman empire was originally predominantly pagan.  The entry of Christianity was not by the hand of Constantine, but by the work of dedicated Christians of the early church.  Constantine simply made it legal, and later the official religion of the empire.  Doubtful that it was used as a means of control.  Constantine had the Roman military to maintain control.  As far as Constantine being baptized on his death bed, there is no way to know for certain if his baptism was sincere or not.  

Finally, were millions of witches burned?  At Salem, there were only twenty.  A tragedy to be certain, but religiously motivated?  That's speculative.  Supported in the Bible?  Not at all.  One must not judge a religious system by how it is abused by a minority.  Learn more here.

2. What's the difference between Greek myths and the Bible?  A great deal, I should think.  I've heard this one worded "Should I believe in leprechauns too?"  There is a great difference between mythical stories and the Biblical texts.  The Greek myths read like legendary myths.  The "gods" in the Greek myths are petty, disturbing images of gods made in the image of man.  The Jesus Christ described in the Bible is a beautiful portrait of divine perfection.  The books of the Bible read like historical accounts.  In addition, the historical reliability of the gospels and books of the Bible are powerful, with outside references and thousands of copies with only miniscule differences.  Watch a presentation by William Lane Craig on the historicity of the gospels (at Yale University).

3. The gospels of John and Matthew were indeed eyewitness accounts written before AD 70 (before the destruction of the Jewish temple.)  Mark and Luke were not eyewitness accounts, but investigative reports.  Click here for information. 

4. Why is the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and his resurrection an acceptable sacrifice for all sins?  That is an excellent question.  To begin with, we must understand who Jesus Christ is.  He is both fully man and fully God.  God himself came in human form.  In addition, Jesus Christ, the God-man lived a perfect life.  Never made one "mistake", "slip" or "white lie."  He never sinned even once.  That is unheard of.  It's never ever been done.  It's so alien the idea of it is ludicruous.  Imagine if someone you knew, anyone, said I never made a mistake, not even once. You'd know instantly that it's a lie.  God himself offered his own life, and he was killed, when he was not guilty of a single crime.  Not even one.  Every time I smoked a cigarette, or thought something perverse about a female, I was wracking up a debt to the architect of the universe.  Since God made everything, including me, it all belongs to him.  I belong to him, regardless of if I want to acknowledge that.  Considering the incredible debt I've wracked up over 29 years of hurting myself and others, I am very much in need of a savior.  Why does God's son Jesus provide that?  Because he takes my place, and receives the punishment I should've received.  He endured ridicule, hatred, torture, and a slow death on a cross.  Then he descended, and endured death itself.  But a pure sinless man could not remain dead, he was resurrected, because of his perfection.  And so I will also be resurrected after my death, because I choose to believe that Jesus Christ is my savior, the remover of my sins.  He has facilitated my rebirth into a new family, the family of God.  For an incredible in depth study of the cross, I recommend a book called The Cross of Jesus Christ by John R.W. Stott. 

5. The question "Who made God?" is an excellent question.  Before I became a Christian, I asked this question.  And Christians told me that God is eternal, he has no beginning or end.  I thought that was a bad answer too.  It seems like a cop-out indeed!  But it's important to remember that within naturalism, the theory of the big bang one must also ask the question "What came first?"  It can't just be "and then the big bang."  What created the big bang?  Everything that begins has a cause.  Therefore one must either postulate eternal energy or eternal nothingness preceding the big bang, right?  But even if so, who created the nothingness, or, who created the energy?  Same problem.  The architect must be outside the system, and timeless, with no beginning or end, because everything with a beginning has a cause.  So God must be causeless and eternal, a state outside the human ability to comprehend.  That too seemed a cop-out, but it's not.  It's simply a statement of fact.  Comprehending an eternal causeless being is at least somewhat impossible.  Given the choice between eternal energy and a timeless divine architect, an architect seems more plausible.  The Kalam Cosmological Argument explains it better than I could, click here to view the quick video.

6. Is the United States a Christian nation?  The Supreme Court said so in 1892: "These, and many other matters which might be noticed, add a volume of unofficial declarations to the mass of organic utterances that this is a Christian nation. 143 U.S. 457 (1892)."

7.  How could Noah and his family build an ark of such large dimensions?  Isn't the Noah story impossible?  It may seem implausible, but it is certainly not impossible.  Given that God exists and is an eternal being, infinite in power, he can do anything he likes.  If God can call the universe into existence from nothingness, then helping Noah build a big boat doesn't seem like such a difficult task.  Noah may have only had himself and his family, but according to an article from the Institute for Creation Research, Noah may have had over 100 years to build the ark.  If you recall, in those ancient days people lived much longer, possibly due to more pure and unfettered DNA.  Given such a large amount of time, and divine assistance, the possibility of an ark being built by a family becomes much more possible.  Read the full article on ICR here.

I firmly believe in politely answering questions regarding the Bible and the Christian worldview.  I believe many have honest questions that should be answered with love.  Of course many have an agenda and simply wish to attack.  But that's OK.  There is no way to know who is sincere and who is not.  So if you can get a word, offer some answers and recommend some books or Youtube videos.  I always tell people to go to Youtube.com and search for videos from Ravi Zacharias, Frank Turek, and William Lane Craig my favorite Christian apologists.  I also recommend C.S. Lewis books like the Problem of Pain and Mere Christianity.  

But the questions and answers are only given with the hope of leading a person to Jesus Christ. He is the reason for all of it.  Jesus Christ is God.  People desperately need to know him, and it's painfully obvious day by day.  There is so much brokeness in the world, and Jesus is the cure to all of it.  

Thank you for reading, and God bless you! 

The Lifestyle Change: Following Jesus one day at a Time

Following Jesus, I mean really following him...  That's the mission.  It's not a social club or a tradition.  It's a vital experience, and it takes work.  It's wonderful.  It's beautiful.  The feelings and experiences are so surreal.  It's like a dream really.  It's stepping into a journey very new, and powerful.  It's not like the old lifestyle.  It's a new lifestyle.  Day in and day out, I change.  I become positive, friendly, selfless, loving, and faithful.  I become wiser and wiser, learning and growing.  It's a beautiful journey that the Jesus-follower enjoys.  It's tough at times, it's easy at times.  It's magical at times and sometimes it hurts.  Yet it's all worth it.  And the goods always outweigh the bads.  

It is a daily lifestyle change.  One day at a time.  24 hours a day, it's living differently than before.  Stepping outside the comfort zone.  And really if I'm not growing then I'm moving backwards.  There is not much standing still in the Christian lifestyle.  There are certainly vacations, quiet time, and sabbaticals, but complacency is a different matter all together.  There are negative extremes that we need to avoid.  On one end is total laziness and on the other is perfectionism.  Both will lead to collapse.  So balance.  Do what you can, yet also take care of your own needs.  And focus on now.  I try not to worry about what's coming next week.  I try to focus on today.

Today I'm a Christian, a follower of Jesus.  Today I'm going to pray before I leave the house.  Today, I'm going to listen to an audio Bible while I scroll through Facebook.  Today I'm going to smile at a stranger.  Today I'm going to stop at the food pantry and give a few cans of food for the poor.  Today I'm going to share some encouraging posts and links on my social media accounts.  Today I'm going to thank God on my knees before bed.

Intimacy with God is a massive goal in all this.  How can I be more intimate with my maker?  How can I cultivate a firm relationship with God?  How can I increase my devotion to following Jesus?  Communication is vital.  Just communicate!  Talk to God.  And listen for his response.  Read the scriptures.  Page through Philippines, Romans, John, Galatians, Psalms, and Proverbs.  Let the life of Jesus Christ inspire your actions.  

One day at a time.  How can I encourage someone?  How can I meet a need?  How can I volunteer my time?  The actions increase our faith.  Our faith rests in the Lord, and our actions confirm that faith and build that faith.  Take an interest in others.  Take an interest in someone who seems upset or lost.  I had no idea how selfish I had become, until I really tried to take an interest in others.  It was harder than I expected.  I'd always considered myself such a great guy, but I really was quite selfish.  But I found as I pushed myself a bit to take an interest in others, I started seeing myself becoming increasingly legitimately interested.  And eventually I started to really care about the people around me.  I started to love to care about others and meet needs.  It snowballed slowly, and as long as I continue to practice that, growth in the Spirit continues.  It's a wonderful thing to experience.  

Truly truly, you have never truly lived until you've loved and cared for someone who can do nothing to help you.  It's really true.  The feeling of helping and loving others is wonderful.  Sometimes it hurts.  Sometimes it really hurts, when they make poor choices.  But in any case, when you're really loving others, despite the result, you will experience the incredible peace of Jesus Christ.  Because you're actively working for the kingdom by loving others and showing mercy.  It's at those moments, and after those moments that you'll truly feel those moments of the active presence of Jesus Christ the architect of the universe.  Truly truly, peace is a lifestyle change.  

So live it my brothers and sisters.  Live it one day at a time.  Don't worry about yesterday or tomorrow.  Live in today.  What can you do today?  You can do a lot today.  You can live for Jesus, just for today.  God bless you, and take care.

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Christian Mental Health: Strategies for Developing Personal & Relational Security

Strategies for Developing Personal & Relational Security

Justin Steckbauer

Liberty University

Abstract

A great deal has been written on the topic of healthy relationship styles and damaged relationship styles. In addition, a great deal has been written on personal security and self esteem. However, few have examined the practical application of change techniques for a client seeking to build a secure personal and relational pattern. The paper examines the problem of personal security from the perspective of a client intending to make a concerted effort to move from a damaged sense of personal security to a healthy style of personal and relational security. The paper examines four relationship styles described by Clinton & Sibcy (2006) in their work Why You Do the Things You Do. Five personality styles presented in the Freedom from Depression Workbook by Carter & Minirth are also briefly examined. EMDR and Theophostic therapy are discussed as possible means for growth in personal security. Spiritual disciplines are examined with a focus on daily implementation. Another key issue discussed is countering lies of the world with truth found in scripture. Finally, twelve step groups and Celebrate Recovery are examined for their usefulness in helping the client maintain and build upon progress made on the journey to personal and relational security.

Introduction

Jesus Christ, during his time on Earth was once asked, “What is the greatest commandment?” (Mark 12:28 English Standard Version). His response was very powerful: “29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these” (Mark 12:29-31). From the mouth of the blessed Lord Jesus Christ humanity discovers the very greatest imperative of life: a loving relationship with God and equally loving relationships with other people. Unfortunately for those who have developed poor personal security and broken relationship styles, this can be a very difficult proposition. Humanity lives in a world cursed by sin and brokenness (Genesis 3:17-19). Therefore many do struggle with past trauma, a shattered sense of self worth, and broken patterns of relating to others. To obey the command of Jesus to love God, people must know Jesus. In addition, if people are to obey his second command: “Love your neighbor as yourself” they must also love themselves. If a person can love Jesus, a person can love God, if a person can love God, a person can love himself, and they can also love others. Assuming someone has been through trauma and hurts, and have developed broken relationship styles, how do they fix those broken places and come to a place of personal security and healthy relationship skills? Some possible solutions would include: Understanding the psychology of personal and relational security, Theophostic therapy, EMDR treatment, development of spiritual disciplines, confronting lies of the world with truth of the Bible, personal study workbooks, and long term twelve step group attendance.

Personal & Relational Security Overview

What does it mean to be a secure individual? What does it mean to be relationally secure? The two concepts are completely interrelated, to the point that personal security and relational security are simply two parts of the same issue. Personal security is the internal structure of self esteem while the secure relationship style is the logical outworking of a healthy personal security. The terms will be used interchangeably for the course of this paper. Every person has a relationship style that is developed very early in life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 13). Clinton & Sibcy (2006) in their book Why You Do the Things You Do discuss four primary relationship styles: the secure style, ambivalent style, avoidant style, and disorganized style.

The characteristics of a secure self are emotional strength, a willingness to seek and accept comfort in times of trouble, courage for love and intimacy, responsibility for self, and overall courage (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61-65).  Emotional strength is described as an acceptance of emotions as a part of life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61).  An emotionally strong individual tends to accept challenges and take necessary risks, while standing up for what they believe in (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61).  The emotionally strong person feels emotions deeply, yet does not fear emotions but accepts them as a healthy sign of experiencing life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61).  The second characteristic of a secure person is seeking and accepting comfort (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61).  The secure individual seeks comfort from within, from others, and from God in reasonable balances (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61).  Turning to God in prayer frequently is a sign of healthy behavior (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61).  The third characteristic of a secure person is courage for love and intimacy (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.62).  Secure people are willing to step out and take the risk of loving someone through all the hard work that takes (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.62).  The secure person is optimistic despite knowing that life comes with much suffering (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.63).  The secure person relies on God's plan for their life during times of trouble (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.63).  The fourth characteristic of a secure person is that they take full responsibility for themselves, their actions, and their attitudes (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.63).  The secure person actively looks for solutions to problems as they come up, and if the problem can't be avoided they look for ways to cope in a healthy way (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.63). 

In stark contrast to the healthy relationship style are the three unhealthy relationship styles: avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006). The avoidant style is similar to the secure style in that the individual believes they are worthy of receiving love, but only on the basis of success and meeting goals (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 67). The avoidant style also believes they can find love, but they depend on their own abilities to do so (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 67). The avoidant style believes others are incapable or unwilling to love them (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 67). The avoidant style believes firmly that others are not trustworthy and are unreliable in regard to meeting his or her needs (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 67). The second insecure style is called the ambivalent relationship style. The ambivalent style is characterized by a belief that they are not worthy of love. They also believe they cannot get the love they need from others. The ambivalent style is typically quick to anger, clingy, and desperate (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 87). They believe others are indeed trustworthy and capable of meeting their needs, but fear abandonment and their own flaws upsetting the relationships they have (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 87). The disorganized relationship style is characterized by a negative view of themselves and others. This relationship style has characteristics of the secure, avoidant, and ambivalent styles. One moment the disorganized individual will be secure, the next clinging as the ambivalent style does, and another moment or day showing classic avoidant style tendencies (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 103). The disorganized relationship style is often developed by an individual in a highly abusive family, having endured physical, emotional, or sexual abuse early in life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 107). For those who can identify with the avoidant, ambivalent, or disorganized relationship styles, there is a path to healing and security.

Self Esteem

Ruth Ward in her book Self-Esteem: Gift from God (1984) writes “Self-esteem is a little-understood abstract quality that influences and controls our entire existence. Many people recoil at the word, thinking it is egotistical and self-seeking. Instead they prefer to demean themselves in an effort to avoid being conceited, which only produces negative results.” Christians in general have often recoiled at the term “self-esteem” suggesting instead a total focus on Jesus Christ, and a death to self (Mark 8:34-35). In the context of the scriptures, death to self is putting aside selfish desires and seeking to imitate the example of Christ in serving others (Mark 10:44-45). However, Christ did not hate himself or talk poorly about himself (John 14:6). He knew his identity in the heavenly Father, and as a result lived with dignity, self-respect, and purpose (John 10:30, John 5:36, John 4:34). The example of Christ is the perfect example for living and includes a sense of identity and intrinsic worth, confidence in position, and eternal hope (1 Peter 2:9, 1 Corinthians 12:27, 1 John 3:1-3). Therefore it can be reasoned that self-esteem is indeed a good thing, and a biblical concept (Ward, 1984, p. 30). Self-esteem is developed early in life, derived from parents, siblings, neighbors, friends, self talk, and personal achievements (Ward, 1984, p. 30). The quality of such sources can be quite varied and cannot be relied upon for long term stability (Ward, 1984, p. 30). Therefore understanding God's provision for self-esteem is absolutely vital to personal security. Ward (1984) describes God's unique packaging of esteem as a “constant iron-clad bottomless reservoir.” The characteristics of that provision include God's approval, his personal attention, encouragement, unique gifts, and a calling to good works (Ward, 1984, p. 30). In understanding God's provision for the malady of relational insecurity the recovering individual can proceed forward knowing there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother (Proverb 18:24). The message of Ward's book Self-Esteem: Gift from God is one of hope for the insecure and troubled believer, that God has made each person unique with important gifts to contribute to the family of Christ, introverted or extroverted, artistic or rational; making the book an important tool for recovery from insecurity.

Spiritual Disciplines

The journey of long term recovery from broken patterns of relationship will ultimately fail without the dedicated practice of spiritual disciplines (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006). Ultimately personal security is a journey like any other, and is contingent on the daily practice of relationship with God and community with believers. Relationship with God must be the primary source of security for the recovering individual (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 136).

The Bible has very clear things to say about the identity of a person in Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV) says “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” The first area of focus should be the fact that the believer is a new creation, fundamentally right and good before God. It would be a mistake for a person looking to development a healthy relationship style to think of him or herself as a broken sinner. For the believer, that was a previous condition that is now gone, and the new has come (Galatians 2:20). 1 Peter 2:9 ESV says “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” The believer is royalty, cherished by God, and chosen to proclaim truth. The believer is part of a holy family, a child of God and has the privilege to call the architect of the universe: “Father” (John 1:12). There are three very important fundamentals within the scriptures regarding identity. The believer is a new creation, therefore fundamentally good and right in Christ. That is the foundation. Second, the believer is important and has intrinsic value and a mission to live by truth. The third area is that the believer is in relationship to others in the church and to God the Father. All of this is made possible through faith (Galatians 3:26). Of course these truths are difficult to ingrain within a believer who has struggled with identity issues from a young age. In addition, it's not enough to simply know the truth, one must live the truth and practice it. God is the safety net for the believer, and that truth must be known and lived in daily life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 140).

The most common spiritual disciplines are Bible study, prayer, worship, and fasting (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 141). Of course they should be practiced daily. Searching the scriptures, and studying them vigorously should be the practice of a believer (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 142). Practicing solitude is also very useful, shutting off the phone, laptop, and all electronics and just sitting in quiet contemplation (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 142). Another discipline is the practice of silence (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 145). The noise of the day can keep believers from realizing the realities that exist behind all the noise (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 145). Other disciplines are helpful such as confession of sins to other believers, admission of powerlessness before God, and celebrating the blessings of Christ Jesus (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 150). With the daily practice of dedicated relationship to God the Father, and reliance upon Jesus Christ the individual seeking to build a secure identity may be assured of long term success.

Depression and Personality Disorders

Inevitably many of those who suffer with relationship insecurity will also have struggles with depression. Carter and Minirth (1995) in their Freedom from Depression Workbook describe a practical process by which depression can be dealt with in a healthy biblical manner. The workbook outlines twelve steps arranged through twelve chapters helping the reader to identify the depression, learn about the illness, commit to a path of recovery, and implement positive attitudes to counter future outbreaks of depression (Carter & Minirth, 1995). Of particular interest are six personality disorders that relate to depression, personal security, and relational security (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 161). The six personality types are: dependent, obsessive-compulsive, histrionic, avoidant, narcissistic, and borderline (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 183).

The dependent personality is characterized by a core desire to please others (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 162). People in this subgroup often work too hard to keep peace in a world where conflicts are common. The dependent individual has a hard time saying no, and often struggle with fear and guilt, as well as a sense of being dominated by others.

The obsessive-compulsive personality is distinguished by a desire for order and repetition (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 166). The obsessive-compulsive performs out of a sense of duty and obligation, feeling a powerful need to complete a task, then move on to the next (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 166). The obsessive-compulsive finds a sense of self-worth in the completion of projects, while often hiding intense feelings of insecurity and confusion (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 166).

The histrionic personality is characterized by an intensity of emotional expressiveness (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 169). The histrionic individual may often appear intense, dramatic, and excitable (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 169). They are extroverted, people oriented individuals who feed off the emotions of others (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 169). The histrionic personality feels a strong need for emotional satisfaction and attention, and when others fail to meet those needs they quickly become dejected and melancholy (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 169).

The avoidant personality commonly seeks to avoid personal involvement and works very hard to minimize their own vulnerability (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 173). The avoidant person attempts to create a pain free comfort zone around themselves in the hopes of evading uncomfortable emotional attachments and high stress (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 173). The avoidant personality maintains only limited relationships that are of the least possible commitment and possible threat (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 173). The avoidant personality is often quite frustrated internally and expresses that frustration passive-aggressively through evasiveness, procrastination, indecisiveness, and a lack of accountability (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 173).

The narcissistic personality is characterized by an excessive self affection (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 176). The narcissist is quite self absorbed, and diligently seeks a life of ease, pleasure, and comfort (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 176). This personality can seem quite friendly, but the narcissist struggles with building deeper meaningful connections (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 176). The narcissistic personality refuses to acknowledge the struggles of life and is entirely pleasure oriented (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 176).

The borderline personality struggles with moodiness, out of control emotions, clingy behavior, and intense fits of anger (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 179). According to Carter & Minirth (1995) “The term borderline implies that they seem to teeter on the brink of breakdown.” The borderline personality is characterized by a strong fear of being alone (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 179). The borderline personality struggles with a sense of identity confusion and a disintegrated self-image (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 179).

Carl Jung (1923) said “We cannot change anything unless we accept it.” Self-knowledge is an important aspect of recovery from broken relational and personal security. When one understands their personality disorders they are more likely to succeed in dealing with the underlying issues of personal and relational insecurity.

Confronting Lies with Truth

The lies of the world can have a very damaging effect on personal security. In his book The Lies We Believe (1989) Dr. Chris Thurman describes how people often believe many lies about the world and themselves, and as a result their relationships and mental health suffer. Dr. Thurman uses the acronym TRUTH to describe how lies, false beliefs about the world and self can become ingrained in the mind (Thurman, 1995, p. 16). A trigger event occurs leading to reckless thinking regarding the trigger event (Thurman, 1995, p. 16). The reckless thinking leads to unhealthy response (Thurman, 1995, p. 16). The second T refers to truthful thinking, the practice of telling oneself the truth regarding a given situation, to confront the lies and reckless thinking (Thurman, 1995, p. 16). The H stands for healthy response and is a result of the truthful thinking regarding the situation (Thurman, 1995, p. 16).

Dr. Thurman effectively approaches the issue of false beliefs from the framework of developing the mind of Christ (Thurman, 1995). In The Lies We Believe Workbook (1995) Thurman helps the reader confront lies about self, the world, marriage, and religion (Thurman, 1995). There are many workbooks available from the perspective of Christian counseling that are very helpful to those seeking personal recovery from issues like anxiety, worry, depression, and anger available through Thomas Nelson publishers and Meier Clinics. Though resources like The Lies We Believe Workbook are very effective tools for growth in personal security, additional help may be required.

EMDR & Theophostic Ministry

EMDR was initially developed in 1989 by Francine Shapiro to help those suffering from PTSD (Cornine, 2013, p. 83). EMDR is considered an empirically verified form of treatment for those with PTSD, but it's also been applied to a myriad of other issues including depression, trauma, and substance abuse (Cornine, 2013, p. 83). EMDR is based on the presupposition that there are physiological changes that take place in the brain when trauma occurs, effectively freezing information in the mind that then cannot be processed successfully by the client (Cornine 2013, p. 83). Recalling the memory or information then triggers a harsh emotional response connected to the trauma (Cornine, 2013, p. 83). Through the use of bilateral eye movements or bilateral stimulation through touch or sound, the emotional context of the memory can be adjusted to a properly processed state (Cornine, 2013, p. 83). For those who struggle with personal insecurity and broken relationship patterns, many of the underlying issues may be based in painful memories that have never been properly addressed (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006). EMDR treatment should only be conducted under the supervision and care of a trained medical professional.

Theophostic therapy, or theophostic ministry can be described as a technique quite similar to EMDR in it's effect on the brain, though the approach is quite different (Entwistle, 2004, p. 26). Theophostic ministry is similar to Dr. Thurman's The Lies we Believe in that theophostic ministry is about accessing past memories embedded with a “lie” and with the help of Christ replacing that lie with the truth (Entwistle, 2004, p. 26). The theophostic approach is about bringing to light things in the dark that have hurts attached to them (Entwistle, 2004, p. 27). Through the guidance of a trained and certified professional the individual can experience God's healing power in past memories and false beliefs attached to those memories (Entwistle, 2004, p. 27). Like EMDR, theophostic ministry should only be conducted by trained lay counselors or trained professional counselors in cooperation with the individual seeking treatment.

Twelve Step Groups

Twelve step groups, through the use of spirituality, have revolutionized client on client health care. Since the first fellowship developed under the name Alcoholics Anonymous in 1939 hundreds of twelve step based fellowships have developed (Alcoholics Anonymous, 2006). Other prominent fellowships include: Gamblers anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and many others.

The twelve steps are designed to trigger a spiritual awakening in the person who works them (Alcoholics Anonymous, 2006, p. 25). The individual working the steps admits to a state of powerlessness over the issue they are facing, then comes to believe that a spiritual power can help them (Alcoholics Anonymous, 2006, p. 60). The individual offers their life to serving their higher power, then completes a written inventory of their life, later confessing it to a trusted friend or clergy (Alcoholics Anonymous, 2006, p. 65). The individual then requests that God remove his or her character defects, makes amends to those he or she has harmed, and pursues prayer, meditation, and helping others with similar ailments (Alcoholics Anonymous, 2006, p. 59, 89). Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of the program of action, the individual continues to live by the principles of the twelve steps as a permanent “design for living” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 2006, p. 28).

The twelve steps have been adapted successfully, not only for alcoholism and addiction, but also for mental health support (Emotions Anonymous - a 12 Step Anonymous Program). Rick Warren and John Baker adapted a program called Celebrate Recovery using the twelve steps, and eight principles based on the beatitudes (Baker, 2014). According to Celebraterecovery.com “A wide variety of hurts, hang ups and harmful behaviors are represented at Celebrate Recovery. Examples include dependency on alcohol or drugs, pornography, low self-esteem, need to control, depression, anger, co-dependency, depression,fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, perfectionism, broken relationships, and abuse.” Celebrate Recovery could provide an excellent resource for those struggling with identity and personal security issues. Unfortunately Celebrate Recovery is not particularly widespread, though it has served over 17,000 people at Saddleback church in California and has programs in over 20,000 churches worldwide (Celebrate Recovery). The resources for starting a Celebrate Recovery group are also somewhat expensive, and the program suffers from a lack of governing traditions and departs from the tried and true methods of the various other successful anonymous programs.

Another option for the individual seeking support and growth in a group setting would be Emotions Anonymous (Emotions Anonymous - a 12 Step Anonymous Program). According to Emotionsanonymous.org “Our program has been known to work miracles in the lives of many who suffer from problems as diverse as depression, anger, broken or strained relationships, grief, anxiety, low self-esteem, panic, abnormal fears, resentment, jealousy, guilt, despair, fatigue, tension, boredom, loneliness, withdrawal, obsessive and negative thinking, worry, compulsive behavior and a variety of other emotional issues.” Though consistent work with a counselor can be helpful, as well as dedicated study and a strong support network, the power of weekly meeting attendance is unparalleled. The creator of the twelve steps, Bill Wilson came across the power of spirituality, and adapted a practical program of action to help those with many kinds of ailments to seek lifetime recovery (Alcoholics Anonymous, 2006, p. 1).

Conclusion

Jeremiah 33:6 (ESV) says “Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security. “ Jeremiah wrote in regard to the nation of Israel and it's health and security and healing. Today all can receive the same from God through his gift of Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19 (ESV) says “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Jesus Christ provides restoration for those with even the most severe relational and personal security problems (Psalm 41:3). There are many powerful tools for recovery including personal study, spiritual disciplines, professional counseling, and twelve step support groups. An individual committed to a daily path of healing and change can experience total healing through the power of Jesus Christ (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006).

References

Alcoholics Anonymous big book (4th ed.). (2006). New York City: AA World Services.

Balswick, J., & Balswick, J. (2014). The family: A Christian perspective on the contemporary home (4th ed.). Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Academic.

Carter, L., & Minirth, F. (1995). The freedom from depression workbook. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.

Celebrate recovery Bible. (2007). Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan.

Clinton, T., & Ohlschlager, G. (2002). Competent Christian counseling. Colorado Springs, Colo.: WaterBrook Press.

Clinton, T., & Sibcy, G. (2006). Why you do the things you do: The secret to healthy relationships. Nashville, TN: Integrity.

Clinton, T., & Sibcy, G. (2012). Christian counseling, interpersonal neurobiology, and the future. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 40(2), 141-145. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/1032965901?accountid=12085

Cornine, C. K. (2013). EMDR, sexual confusion, and god-image: A case study. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 32(1), 83-89. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/1357043176?accountid=12085

"Celebrate Recovery." Celebrate Recovery. Accessed December 2, 2014. http://www.celebraterecovery.com.

"Emotions Anonymous - a 12 Step Anonymous Program." Emotions Anonymous - a 12 Step Anonymous Program. Accessed December 2, 2014. http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/.

Entwistle, D. N. (2004). SHEDDING LIGHT ON THEOPHOSTIC MINISTRY 1: PRACTICE ISSUES. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 32(1), 26-34. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/223668474?accountid=12085

Hemfelt, R., & Minirth, F. (2003). Love is a choice. Nashville: T. Nelson.

Jung, C. G. (1923). Psychological types: or the psychology of individuation.. Retrieved from http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1923-15021-000

McLemore, C. W., & Brokaw, D. W. (1987). Personality disorders as dysfunctional interpersonal behavior. Journal of Personality Disorders, 1(3), 270-285. doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.1521/pedi.1987.1.3.270

Minirth, F., & Meier, P. (1995). The complete life encyclopedia: A Minirth Meier New Life family resource. Nashville: T. Nelson.

Thurman, C. (1989). The lies we believe. Nashville: T. Nelson.

Thurman, C. (1995). The lies we believe workbook. Nashville: T. Nelson.

Ward, R. (1984). Self-esteem: Gift from God. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Book House.

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