Thursday, August 22, 2013

A struggle, a full moon, a powerful storm, a victory, a higher power

Oh beauty, oh God, you sing your song.  Everyday, all day long.  I could not see, but now.. Could it be?  Could it be that I've passed through this night?

There was something bothering me.  I mean really bothering me.  But I was starting to forget that I was surviving for one reason, 2,000 years ago.

I don't know it was tough.  Dealing with this guy, living in my home.  He would come into my room without permission, and complain.  And I'm just so sensitive, because I was raised by a father who constantly abused my boundaries.  He forced me to be social when I didn't want to be, forced me to be a jock when I didn't want to be.  And just quietly controlled everything I did.  I remember one time, I was so afraid to go to practice that I handcuffed myself to my own bed.

That was a huge mistake, because it was all emotional abuse I received.  I guess maybe I figured that being physically handcuffed to the bed meant he couldn't mentally manipulate me into going.  I was so scared, so afraid, so neurotic in my head.  The idea of going to practice insighted unspeakable fear in me.. that's just how I was.  I think watching my family collapse brought a lot of fear into me.  Unspeakable fear.. my foundation under me crumbling.  But it didn't matter that I handcuffed myself to the bed, it just allowed meant I couldn't move as he sat there and just.. talked and talked and talked.  Manipulating me.  In the end, he brought a handsaw from the garage and sawed the handcuff apart.  It was still stuck around my hand as he drove me to practice.  He said if we couldn't get it off on the way that I'd have to go to practice with it on.  And I went.

This guy living with me, violating my boundaries, reminded me of those days.  He asked to leave because I wouldnt give him a bigger room, and I was so happy.  But then he wouldn't leave.  And it just drove me mad.  Because I was so afraid I couldn't seem to force him to leave.  He threatened to call the police, and kinda forced me to let him stay for a while.  Kept coming in my room, violating my boundaries, leaving little notes, reported me to the city.  Etc.

Being in recovery from bad things in my past, going to meetings, and my connection to God is the only reason I made it through that intense mental trauma of the past week.

It peaked at the full moon last night.  I remember seeing it hinting through the clouds as I drove home.  And I knew God was working.  I had been praying on the situation constantly.  I'm writing this because I'm in awe of what God did next.

Today I woke up around 9 am and went to the dog park.  Bella and I jogged around, as I'd done the past few days, just jogging angrily at the dog park trying to force my upset feelings out that way.  It helped.  At 10 I went to a meeting, left Bella in the car with the windows rolled down.  I came out of the meeting, and there were two police officers holding my dog.  I walked over and they explained what happened, and told me to just be careful next time.  No big deal, they were nice, I was friendly back, so it went very well.  Such an escape artist Bella is.

Hung with my sister, she put some gas in my tank, we had coffee and watched risky business.  Fun fun.

I sat at allister deacons drinking coffee, sitting outside watching the cars go by, studying for my classes.  Sat there for an hour or so, then Kyle called.  We went over to Perkins and sat down for coffee.  We talked about God, and I was happy he had some questions for me.  I noticed he had started to challenge some of his negative thinking, and that made me happy.  I've been praying so hard for Kyle to return to recovery and to be saved by Christ, and it just felt like God was starting to answer those prayers.

Honestly, I had kind of started questioning my faith a bit.  Not too much.  I had some new questions, and I was upset at God honestly.  I didn't know why he had to shut down the renting I was doing, cut off my source of income.  Car is starting to have issues, no money for gas or cigarettes, debt starting to pile up, and I was just mad.  It didn't feel right that I had to go through all that stuff with my roommate abusing my boundaries.  Hadn't my dad been enough?  So afraid everyday, to this day, I mean.. when would it end?

A powerful storm was coming in.  The clouds were growing dark, so we left perkins and dropped off my car at home because my driver side window doesn't roll down.  We got to my house, I dropped off the car, and went inside and found that the roommate who had been hassling me was gone.  All his stuff was gone, he had finally listened to me, and left, and I just rejoiced.  Finally.. Kyle and I went back to perkins and sat for a while.  Kyle asked to go to a meeting with me, a recovery meeting and that was awesome to hear.  More answers to prayers..

So we went.  We were talking about God on the way, and Kyle said he was starting to notice God working.  The rain was falling, and I was thinking about the mayans and the dark rift, and the apocalypse of Revelation.  I looked up at the clouds and said to myself "the dark rift cometh" and a lighting bolt struck down just ahead.  Kyle and I drove around in the powerful rain, in awe of God's power to thrash the seemingly untouchable society of the United States.

We drove through the rain, watching the lightning, hearing the thunder talking about the possibility of God. Kyle talked about how it seemed so foreign.  Because he had been raised with science.  I was talking about how experiential evidence had proved it to me, when we pulled into the church where the meeting was at.

We parked, and Kyle shut off the car.  We looked up.  And there was a rainbow, it hung through the clouds arching all the way across the sky.  And right from the angle we parked and had looked up, it passed right through the cross above the building. red, orange, yellow, green, blue, all the colors.. perfectly.

And Kyle said, "God is real."  And I felt it too.

Incredible, and we were both in awe, just staring..

We got out of the car, and went into the meeting.  Several of the opening readings were read, and then it came to the 24 hour reading.  The girl who read it was wearing a hair headband that was shiny multicolored.. and reflecting with the colors of the rainbow.  The first words of the 24 hour reading were "Who are you to say there is no God?"

24 Hours a Day, August 21st

"Who are you to say there is no God? This challenge comes to all of us. Are we capable of denying that there is a design and purpose in all of life as we know it? Or are we willing to admit that faith in some kind of Divine Principle is a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend? We find a great Reality deep down within us, if we face ourselves as we really are. In the last analysis, it is only there that God may be found. When we find this Reality within us, we are restored to our right minds." Have I found the great Reality?

Meditation for the Day

"Behold, I make all things new." When you change to a new way of life, you leave many things behind you. It is only the earth-bound spirit that cannot soar. Loosen somewhat the strands that tie you to the earth. It is only the earthly desires that bind you. Your new freedom will depend on your ability to rise above earthly things. Clipped wings can grow again. Broken wings can regain a strength and beauty unknown before. If you will, you can be released and free.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may be freed from things that hold me down. I pray that my spirit may soar in freedom."

The reading struck right through me.  It cut to my core... Jesus Christ had truly saved my life.  Behold.. I make all things new.  Soaring.. like an eagle.  Clipped wings can grow again.  Wow.  wow.  The experiences lined up, one by one by one by one. And as I sat in the meeting I realized I wasn't as afraid to sit around the meetings anymore,  I wasn't as afraid to just sit and talk.  I wasn't afraid of all the people..  and why?  Because God had experientially put me through the miserable ordeal with the roommate so I could persevere, and gain a new ground in courageously setting my boundaries.  And because of that week long experience, my fear was diminishing.  My God.. I thought.  My God.  Thank you.  I didn't understand, and I was angry.  And now I do understand, and I'm grateful