Helping
Children Heal from Divorce
Justin
Steckbauer
Liberty
University
Abstract
An
article describing the effects of divorce on children and how healing
can come about. The outcomes of divorce on children are explored.
Possibilities for healing and examples from the Bible are described
as ways children can come to healing after a divorce. Parents are
offered various ways they can lead children along the path of healing
after a divorce situation. Several key areas of healing are
discussed including: healing internally, healing inter-personally,
healing biblically, and healing holistically. God is described as
the firm foundation that can transcend the shattered family structure
for children who have suffered after divorce.
Introduction
Marriage
is the foundation from which a family is created. Children are born,
and grow up in the gentle care and training provided by both mother
and father. Marriage is sacred, a decree of God himself when he
said, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and
hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Gen.
2:24 English Standard Version). Marriage is binding, and the
scriptures say that when two are brought together they become one.
Matthew 19:6 (ESV) says "So they are no longer two but one
flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
God makes it clear that marriage ought to be binding until death.
Again and again in the scriptures it's made clear that marriage
between a man and a woman should not be broken except in extreme
circumstances (1 Cor 7:10, Luke 16:18, Mat 5:32, Mat 19:6, Rom 7:2).
As a result, is it any wonder that a marriage ending in divorce leads
to such chaos and destructive for all involved? Divorce is very
harmful to the husband and wife. But perhaps those most harmed by a
divorce of husband and wife are the children. Children face many
unique challenges in a divorce situation. Thankfully God provides
ways to heal from divorce.
Outcomes
of Divorce on Children
Children
of broken families are at much higher risk of negative outcomes in
life than those in stable married homes (Kim, 2011, p. 487).
Negative outcomes can include dropping out of high school, social
problems, decreased cognitive skills, and poor psychosocial well
being (Kim, 2011, p. 487). Although social stigma regarding divorce
has decreased in society, these outcomes have not changed over the
years (Kim, 2011, p. 487). In the United States in 1860, 1 in 1,000
marriages ended in divorce (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 301).
In 2013, the divorce ratio was up to 17 divorces in every 1,000
marriages (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 301). Divorce rates
doubled between the 1950s and the 1980s (Stewart, 1997, p. 691).
Today, about 50% of marriages end in divorce (Stewart, 1997, p. 691).
The
consequences of divorce on children can last a lifetime (Sammons &
Lewis, 2001, p. 1). There is increasing research that shows the
effects of divorce on children can be devastating, yet society seems
to lag behind in providing support for children of divorced families
(Sammons & Lewis, 2001, p. 1). How can society provide supports
for children of divorce? It's an important question to consider.
Despite support from parents, siblings, friends, church leaders,
counselors, and support groups, the effects of divorce are
never-the-less devastating. Is it any wonder then why the scriptures
say God hates divorce? (Malachi 2:16).
Healing
from Divorce in Light of the Bible
As
previously discussed, the marriage bond is extremely important.
Although in modern society marriage is often not taken particularly
seriously, to God it is a sacred covenant relationship. Divorce in
light of the Bible is a serious and difficult situation. Suffering
is the natural outcome. Yet what possibilities for healing from
divorce are there, in light of the Bible?
Jeremiah
17:14 (ESV) says "Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save
me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise." Ultimately
the only way for children to heal from divorce is to reach out to God
for healing and comfort. Jeremiah 33:6 (ESV) says "Behold, I
will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal
to them abundance of prosperity and security." The passages
from Jeremiah are extremely important. Consider the situation Israel
was facing: Israel had turned from the Lord, and the king of Israel
was listening to false teachers. Israel was about to face the
Babylonian captivity, a terrible time of discipline and suffering.
It is much the same after a divorce. A family has been splintered
due to sin. The parents could not work it out, and thus suffering
results. Yet God still offers healing, forgiveness, and love despite
the poor choices people make in life. Even out of great tragedy, God
can bring prosperity and security.
Psalm
103:2-4 (ESV) says "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not
all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your
diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with
steadfast love and mercy." Psalm 103 illustrates how God offers
forgiveness, healing, redemption, steadfast love, and mercy to those
who come to him. Children must be encouraged to "bless the
Lord." Remind children again and again that though their
foundation has been lost, the family, they must seek out and find the
true foundation which is God almighty. He is the only unshakeable
foundation.
James
5:15 (ESV) says "And the prayer of faith will save the one who
is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed
sins, he will be forgiven." Divorce often brings about chaos
for children, and causes numerous problems in mental health and
functionality. Thankfully prayer is a powerful weapon against
brokenness. The Lord will raise up children who have suffered the
horror of divorce. Sins related to the divorce should be confessed,
and then they will be forgiven (James 5:16). It must be underlined,
that the suffering child does not need therapy, counseling, or
interventions as much as the child needs the real presence of God the
Father. "Self-help" style counseling is foolishness, and
God-less (James 4:7, James 4:10, Romans 12:2) It leads to a
repeating loop of suffering. Instead the scriptures say that one
must submit themselves before the Lord, and he will lift them up
(James 4:10).
Psalm
147:3 (ESV) states: "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up
their wounds." God came to seek and to save those who were lost
(Luke 19:10). Children of divorce have lost a great deal. Though
some do suffer only minimal consequences, many leave the situation
brokenhearted. If these children will honestly seek after God, he
will bind up their wounds.
Helping
Children Heal Biblically
Proverb
23:26 (ESV) states "My son, give me your heart, and let your
eyes observe my ways." Children heal when the Great Physician
is at the center of the healing process. If a child is to survive
divorce and thrive in the wake of it, parents must help the child
connect to God. Parents must help children to give their hearts to
God entirely and seek him as the firm foundation that the family had
been prior to the divorce. Parents must help children to study the
Bible, to "observe His ways" and truly follow them.
Otherwise divorce may be a grim endeavor for children.
Despite
cultural views that "what is good for parents is good for
children" the grim reality is that divorce is very destructive
for children (Desai, 2006). Children hold a basic understanding that
parents have a sort of supernatural ability to help them and protect
them (Desai, 2006). When divorce occurs, that trust is shattered and
children will often become resentful (Desai, 2006). Divorce
initiates a basic contradiction of what children see as right, that
their parents belong together (Desai, 2006). The psychologist
Judith Wallerstein followed a group of children from the 1970s to the
late 1990s to observe how the children would grow and develop (Desai,
2006). She interviewed each of them at 18 months, five years, ten
years, fifteen years, and even twenty five years later (Desai, 2006).
Shockingly, she found that many of them still struggled with basic
issues of fear of conflict, fear of failure, and expectations of
failure after more than twenty five years (Desai, 2006). God's word
is correct, despite all the noise of culture and secular psychology's
attempts to downplay it: divorce is destructive (Matthew 19:6). Yet
there are many ways parents can help children heal from divorce.
Parents
should be in prayer for their children on a daily basis (1
Thessalonians 5:17). Prayer is powerful (Mark 11:24). Prayer is
meaningful, and God will help children who are being prayed for
regularly (1 John 5:14-15). Parents ought to ask church leaders and
prayer or small groups to pray regularly for their children
(Ephesians 6:18).
Parents
should also model effective communication (Minirth, Meier &
Arterburn, 1995, p. 233). This will help children to share their
feelings and avoid bottling up their emotions regarding the divorce
(Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Validate the child's emotions, don't
discount them (Minirth et al.,1995, p. 233). Children need to share
their feelings and identify those feelings after a divorce (Minirth
et al., 1995, p. 233). Watch the child's behavior. Behavior
problems and acting out can be signs of deeper emotion issues taking
place beneath the surface (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Staying
actively involved in the child's life is very important as well;
often parents who do not have full custody will disengage but that is
not a good idea (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233).
Overall,
parents who care for their own spiritual needs and mental health will
be best able to care for their children after divorce (Minirth et
al., 1995, p. 233). Parents should pray regularly for strength,
wisdom, and compassion (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Parents
should join a divorce support group if they are able, and seek
healing for themselves (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Parents
should not try to communicate through the children or play games or
attack the other parent's character in front of children (Minirth et
al., 1995, p. 233). Parents who have divorced should treat each
other with dignity and respect, addressing each other as if in a
business relationship (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). When parents
are mature about the divorce situation children more easily adjust in
healthy ways.
Helping
Children Heal Personally
Proverbs
17:22 (ESV) says "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed
spirit dries up the bones." Children are often left with a
crushed spirit after a divorce. They have seen their foundation
removed, and they feel resentful and may often become disengaged.
Drug and alcohol use may come about. Thankfully joy is good
medicine. How can children learn to have joy? Joy is found in the
Lord (John 16:24, Psalm 33:21). Hope leads to joy, and children
certainly need hope after divorce. Since joy, peace, and healing all
come from God, children must learn to connect to God in real,
tangible ways.
Parents
must help children to develop spiritual disciplines to deal with the
vacuum in their lives after divorce. There are many useful and
powerful spiritual disciplines parents can teach to their children.
Searching
the scriptures is a very powerful spiritual discipline (Clinton &
Sibcy, 2006, p. 141). Children should be encouraged to carry their
Bible everywhere with them, and to page through it in times of
struggle.
Solitude
is another important discipline. Help your child to shut off the
computer, television and I-phone, and just sit quietly with a Bible
or in prayer. Relaxing in nature and reflecting can be very powerful
as well (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 142). Solitude is a lost
discipline, but very useful for those in need of healing (Clinton &
Sibcy, 2006, p. 143).
Silence
is still another useful discipline to practice. Silence coupled with
solitude has a way of dismantling defenses, and opening the mind to
the presence of God (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 145).
Simple
prayer is another important spiritual discipline. Teach children to
constantly talk to God within their own minds as they go throughout
the day (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 148). Teach children to get
on their knees twice a day to pray to God (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006,
p. 148). Parents can model all of these disciplines to their
children and make it a part of growing together in the new
post-divorce family unit. Other disciplines may be explored as well
such as celebration, fasting, confession, and submission (Clinton &
Sibcy, 2006, p. 150).
Helping
Children Heal Inter-personally
How
can parents help their children heal in their relationships with
others and the world around them? Children of divorce will often
struggle in their future relationships and may be more likely to
divorce in their future marriages (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p.
208). For parents after the divorce, it's important that children
know the divorce is not their fault (Petherbridge, 2009).
Helping
the child to grow and function well begins with the parent healing
from the divorce (Petherbridge, 2009). Parents should find a support
group where they can discuss the pains and hurts of the divorce
(Petherbridge, 2009). That way the child does not have to be the
comforter of the parent (Petherbridge, 2009). If a child becomes the
comforter of the parent, this represents a role reversal and can be
destructive for the child's mental health.
Parents
should continue to discipline consistently (Petherbridge, 2009).
Discipline and firm rules communicate love and security to the child
(Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Sometimes parents after the divorce
may be tempted to over-indulge their children out of guilt, but avoid
this pitfall as it can communicate confusing signals to children
(Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Overall, children may struggle in
future relationships no matter what the divorced parents do. Divorce
is an ugly affair. But parents can help children toward healthy
interpersonal skills by helping children communicate their feelings,
setting down good discipline, and explaining the situation in clear
truthful terms (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Children can be
helped by participating in strong communities of believers at places
like church youth groups, bible studies, divorce support groups, and
Christian after-school programs (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233).
Parents can present a positive view regarding marriage and
friendships, so that children will not grow up feeling jaded or
fearful of interpersonal attachments (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233).
Children need to be children, even after a divorce (Minirth et al.,
1995, p. 233). Try not to involve them in decisions regarding money,
food, or other adult issues outside the child's level of maturity
(Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). If parents are careful to stabilize
the growing environment for children while providing supports and
opportunities for healthy relationships, divorce related social
problems can be minimized (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233-235).
Helping
Children Heal Holistically
Taking
a holistic approach to healing after divorce is very important for
the long term recovery of children. Children need to heal
internally, they need to heal interpersonally, and they need to heal
in the power of God.
Divorce
is not considered a short term incident, but a life long struggle
with far reaching implications (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p.
307-308). During the time after divorce both parents may struggle
with self-esteem issues, sexual acting out, emotional outbursts,
depression, and anxiety/fears (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p.
307). This leaves the parents unavailable to help their children
adjust emotionally (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 307). Male
children of divorce will often struggle with acting out behavior and
non-compliance (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 308). Female
children may act-in through becoming emotionally closed off (Balwick
& Balswick, 2014, p. 308). There is no doubt that divorce is
destructive, but many children from divorced families express relief
because the marriage situation caused so much trauma and abuse
(Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 311).
It's
clear that children are affected in diverse ways by the divorce
situation (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 308). Usually the worst
period for children is in the first year after the divorce (Balswick
& Balswick, 2014, p. 308). Of course children suffer less when
the parents are amicable with one another (Balswick & Balswick,
2014, p. 308). Female children tend to recover more quickly from
divorce, while male children, especially those raised by a single
mother tend to take longer to fully heal and recover from divorce
(Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 308).
It's
important to address multiple issues with children. Of course
children must have their physical needs met: food, water, and
shelter. Children must also have their emotional needs met through
love, relationship, and emotional expression. Still further,
children must have their social needs met through church fellowship,
friendships, and adult mentors. Yet ultimately, the most important
holistic need of the child is his or her relationship with God.
Jesus Christ said, “Let the little children come to me and do not
hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew
19:14).
Parents
struggling through a divorce will not be able to lead their children
perfectly in this process, but there are many resources and angles
from which to seek help and support for the children. Parents would
be wise to take a holistic approach to the healing process and
realize children have diverse needs in the process of rebuilding
(Balswick & Balswick, 2014).
Conclusion
In
conclusion, Deuteronomy 6:5-8 (NIV) states "Love the Lord your
God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your
strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your
hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit
at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when
you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your
foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your
gates." Though these words are from the Old Testament and refer
to the Old Testament laws of Moses, one could surmise that Jesus
Christ calls us to do very much the same. Jesus said let the little
children come to me (Matthew 19:14). Jesus Christ also said, "I
am the way, the truth, and the life..." (John 14:6). And Paul
wrote of the Christ saying, "And my God will supply every need
of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus"
(Philippians 4:19). Families need Jesus. Parents need Jesus.
Divorced parents need Jesus. And children of divorce desperately
need Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ heals the brokenhearted.
If
parents help children to place Jesus Christ at the heart of their
healing process, then their children will be healed. Teach the
children to love God with a full heart, despite the pain of divorce.
Teach the children to know and follow the words of God in his Holy
book the Bible. Counseling is important, support groups are
important, wise parenting is important, and fellowship is important,
but the very center piece of recovery after divorce is Jesus Christ.
When parents are armed with that knowledge, their children will have
the privilege of experiencing true healing after the horror of
divorce.
Children
need help to articulate their suffering, and express themselves
personally. Children also need help from parents to develop their
interpersonal skills. Children have a great many needs that must be
addressed in a holistic manner. Yet most importantly, children need
God to heal. And so do parents. In closing, parents and children of
divorce alike ought to remember the words of Jesus Christ in Matthew
11:28: "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I
will give you rest."
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